Sunday, January 9, 2011

firestarter (aka "last american slacker gets offered a job")

I pretty much believe in following the rules, coloring within the lines, and obeying all traffic laws. Not only does it keep people off your back, it lets on that you might not be a dickhole. Even deathdealers value the peaceful predictability of adhering to the rules.

Order has its advantages. Infrastures, jobs, and million dollar budgets have been built around keeping the peace. Hell, even deathdealing is a product of this industry.

I mean - everybody's doing it, right?

But yesterday - in between my fifth cup of coffee and lunch - a phone call from The Agency forced me to pose the following question: Who or what is the causal agent of order?

The Agency has decided to offer me a chance to re-classify. It appears that the system that maintains order may be working too well. More order has bred less crime and run-of-the-mill chaos. Less shenanigans have decreased the need for security and deathdealers, and so on and so forth.

Granted, it's been a week since my last assigment, but the off time has given me a newfound appreciation of naps and local bars. Plus, you never know when you'll get a 10 target week.

So this new opportunity may be the change I need. Society has grown stagnant in its false sense of safety, and while there still were small sparks of robberies and low level crime, the powers that be see there is a need for profesional intervention.

I would be a firestarter - reminding folks that the boogieman is indeed real and scaring the riffraff and occasional psychopath into hiding. The offer sounds pretty cool, but I'll need a few days to think about it.




I don't know if I'd be comfortable committing random crime, albeit staged. I mean, I recently just got comfortable with shooting a target in the back.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

last american slacker goes to school


How in the motherfuckin' hell did I end up here on a perfectly good Saturday taking a dumbass test? I guess I can't be totally pissed. It's all my fault. I kind of chose to be here, and now The Agency refuses to let me fail out. So, I will take and re-take these goddamn tests until the board see it fit to pass me. Who knew that the death dealing business had such high standards?

There's math and countless forms to fill out. There's a metric shit-ton of manuals and obscure tools involved, too. How this all fits into professional human extermination is not beyond me, but all this science certainly takes the fun out of sending folks to their maker. Moreover, death dealing is an exact science. Sending lethal destruction to anywhere but the planned point is totally unacceptable which brings me here - taking this stupid re-test on a day normally reserved for sleeping and binge drinking. I have to thank The Agency though. Without those guys I would be enjoying a moderately productive life.